When listening to one of the talks (artist Thea Muir) I was reminded so much of my own journey of coming to terms with who I am and this poem written in 1993:
The potter takes pride in his work. It’s his clay to do with as he wishes.
Does a piece of clay own itself?
Do you own yourself?
Did you not give yourself to me
as I gave my son to you on Calvary?
You no longer own yourself.
I own you.
You are my clay and I will model you as I wish.
Holy Spirit, help me to give myself totally into the potter’s hands.
I don’t want to be me.
But do I want to be what you want me to be?
I want to be someone I like.
I don’t like the way I go along
doing what’s expected and right.
always dotting the Is and crossing the Ts
and getting the apostrophe in the right place.
And don’t make a spelling mistake!
Do I want to be so precise?
I would rather be creative than objective and correct.
I want to be sure of what I believe
and to be brave enough to stand up and be counted.
I don’t like me.
Me is selfish, insecure and wants to be right.
I don’t like me.
I want to change into a better me.
A me I will like and approve
Lord, help me to move.
Help me to move my position
away from looking at self with loathing
to a place where I can say, “I’m OK
God made me – and I’m good.”
Right now my position is
I don’t like me
but I’m frightened to allow you in
to change me
to break me, mould me and
a part of me wont budge – it’s scared.
Scared of the possible outcome.
If you look too close
if you go right in
you might see what I see
the me that I keep hidden.
And you might not like the hidden me.
you might look and say “Yuk”
and then discard me,
alone in the dark.
I have come to the end.
or rather, a crossroads.
Do I turn back – or go forward?
If I go forward – which way?
Through my fears and tears
I cannot see.
So, Holy Spirit, guide me.
Into your hands I give myself
Show me how to trust
completely, unreservedly, totally.
I do really want to be remoulded –
I’m just scared!
You can be artistic, creative and precise.
Paying attention to detail and getting things right,
that’s my way of doing things.
Look at my creation.
It’s not shoddy or quickly thrown together with no regard for detail.
Don’t belittle what I have made you.
I have made you the way you are.
Rejoice and be glad.
Be positive, not negative.
I am moulding you.
Keep on with me.
As your insecurity goes and you become more secure in me,
then you will see more clearly the person you are meant to be.
And you will like you
I only make good things.
I came to the conclusion that I needed to spend more time with God, that I had become dry. Clay needs to be wet to remain workable. If I am to minister to others, I need to keep my own spiritual reserves topped up. If I were running a soup kitchen I’d have to go to the shops to buy ingredients or the soup and bread. If I am to give spiritual food, I need to have enough to give.
A sign of the way that God has continued to work in me and the healing I’ve experienced is that when I was using this meditation in February 2010, I realised it was no longer me. I didn’t feel that way about myself. I continued the journey of learning to love myself. I now like me and am glad to be me. In the last couple of years I have started to paint and learn how to draw. I have changed, and it has been the work of the Holy Spirit within me that has achieved it.
If you want to read more of my story it is told in poems and pictures:
I haven’t done much art today as my creativity has been directed towards putting together an all age service for Sunday. I have been pre-recording segments that will be put together with other videos (songs and bible story). I used my glove puppet too.
I did a small amount of work on my painting but got stuck when deciding where to put the figure, so I posted a request for help on an artists’ Facebook page.
Just tidying up this blog ready to post at 6.30am on Day 3. It’s my day off and the weather looks grim so I will be indoors and have time to catch up. I think I’ll leave Day 1 videos and start on Day 2 stuff this morning – you never know I might even be able to engage with Day 3 this afternoon!