Many of us are easily discouraged by bad news or things we have hoped and worked for not coming to fruition. I have been working on a lot of different journalling techniques lately, partly for the fun of it and my own enjoyment and growth, and partly as preparation for co-leading a retreat in July.

I have also worked on the morning and evening prayers as well as deciding what prayer journalling techniques to share and lead a session on. I have made a good start on preparing a booklet of instructions for retreat members. This will eventually, I hope, be published. But will need more work.

For the last couple of weeks we have been waiting for the retreat house to confirm whether or not there are sufficient people signed up for the retreat to go ahead. On Monday I was told that there are not currently enough but that in the past there have often been last minute bookings. So it will be reviewed on Friday.

I felt disappointed at the situation. Caroline and I have put in so much work already and we both had things to do to finish preparing for it. Yesterday I decided to bring it to the Lord in prayer using my journal that’s made out of odd bits of paper.

I started by writing all over the page how I felt, pouring out my heart to God about the situation. I then took some dark blue gouache paint and smeared it over the page, adding red and then some dark yellow until all the writing was covered. Next I added some text from an old church notice sheet that summed up my desire to call out to God asking him to hear my voice, plus I wrote on scraps of paper that I am disappointed and pissed off. I hesitated at using such a phrase, and tried to find something more polite. However we need to be honest before God even if that includes bad language. So it stayed. I then added that I waited for the Lord and in his word is my hope.

Earlier, as I had settled into the prayer time Psalm 131 had come to mind. I was confused that I had felt so sure that God was calling us to lead the retreat and that it was part of my ministry in retirement. It was even one of the contributing factors that helped me to decide to retire early. It was beyond my powers of reasoning and understanding. All I can do is rest in God and his will.

Fortunately I had one of the drafts of the service sheets in my stash and that psalm was on it. So I cut it out and used it. This response was also on the sheet and was right for how I felt:

leader: Father bless the work that is done and the work that is to be
all: Father bless the servant that I am and the servant that I will be

Whatever I have done and whatever I will do, I ask God to bless and offer it up to him. Here’s the page at the end of that session. I had only glued half the psalm paper and folded it over, writing on the back “I have calmed and quieted my soul. Like a weaned child with its mother”

That afternoon I went for a walk along the beach and continued to pray about the retreat – for those who had already signed up, those who may be unsure and about to do so, and for the Holy Spirit to prompt anyone else for whom it is the right thing at the right time. I still feel that God is calling and leading me to share my journalling and art with others. I had attended the Alnmouth Arts Festival over the weekend and had lots of encouraging conversations with artists and felt affirmed as an artist.

Here’s the double page spread of my newly made junk journal to remind myself of the day:

I was reminded of my desire to include spirals in my work and stitching in my work. I learnt that I needed a better knife for paper cutting. I attended the church service on Sunday morning. We were given an envelope containing a ribbon bow plus a tag for writing a prayer on. We were asked to consider that we all have different gifts just as we each had a different coloured ribbon, but that there is just one spirit. And we were encouraged to offer our gifts to God, which I did.

So as I walked and prayed yesterday I realised that I was not worried, nor angry, but still a bit peeved and disappointed at the thought that the retreat may not go ahead. However I also acknowledged that none of the preparations will be wasted and that God will take them and use them as he sees fit.

Romans 8:28 (NIV)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This can also be translated: all things work together for good to those who love God; or that in all things God works together with those who love him to bring about what is good.

So, that is the verse that I decided was needed to finish off the page. I had another time of prayer this morning and you can see the results on the page below. I added the Romans verse on tracing paper using a white gel pen to give a bit of variety. I thought about covering up the word ‘pissed off’ but, as you can see, I decided they should remain. I also folded out and made the whole of psalm 131 visible. To finish off I added some paynes grey acrylic to the edges.

I continued in prayer, flicking through my journal. Here’s some pages that I haven’t shared on this blog yet:

One of the advantages of this sort of journalling is that the pages can be used to help you in prayer at any time. I think how feel at the moment can be summed up in the good advice, as always, from St Paul:

Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I will let you know if the retreat goes ahead or not. And if you are someone who is thinking about joining in, please contact the retreat house before Friday! I would hate for anyone to be disappointed because they left it too late to apply and we cancelled because of lack of people to make it viable.

Thank you – and I thank God for you and that you have read thus far.